Today

This morning, I was unknowingly thrown into a quiet, yet alarming battle, which rages on the streets of urban settlements during the besiegement of any amount of precipitation, but it is most fierce during a downpour.

The actual skirmishing usually takes place on sidewalks, or, most dangerously, in crowded crosswalks. It usually begins with any number of participants briskly walking in one direction brandishing their weapons, while others, also armed, come at them from the other side. All sorts of jostling about is produced, usually with each participant using their weapons to push aside those of the opposing force.

The weapon of choice is the umbrella, although there are some who opt, instead, for a waterproof jacket. You will soon understand how terribly these poor mere jacketed folk will fare, and may soon regret their decisions to leave their umbrellas at home. You see, the rain jacket is merely a defensive article, much like a shield, whilst the umbrella may be used in both defensive and offensive measures, which is rather important during such a brawl. Even though the rain jacket provides protection for the body, it leaves the head and face completely exposed. And when participating in such a conflict, it is quite necessary to protect one’s face from the sharp protuberances surrounding the edges of said weapons.

During my walk to the train station this morning I unknowingly entered into a fierce duel with a man carrying a large black umbrella, studded with hefty metal tips around its edges. We walked towards each other on a narrow sidewalk, each carrying our chosen umbrellas, mine being just an average umbrella. At the last second, I was forced to yank my umbrella to one side, narrowly avoiding a clash between our umbrellas. The man who had challenged me did not even flinch. His umbrella maintained the same path it had before he had even seen me on the walk. I was amazed at his audacity and incivility. I soon realized that such clashes were quite common, and usually, the larger umbrella won.

To wield a winning umbrella requires much from its brandisher. Firstly, he/she must have unshakeable confidence in their weapon. Without such confidence, they are much more likely to dart away from their enemies for fear of a snagged canopy. Secondly, they must be able to plaster on their faces a stern and unapproachable look, which signifies to the other weapon wielding commuters that they and their umbrella are not to be trifled with. Thirdly, they must walk at quite a clip to maintain domination over the slower traffic, shoving smaller, less important umbrellas out of the way.

The design of one’s umbrella is important to note. Many, I assume the ones newer to the brawl, carry simple canopies no wider than two feet, plenty to keep one dry from precipitation, but not large enough to intimidate the crazed rainbow umbrella wielders. Yes, the crazed rainbow umbrella wielders. The best weapon is one that is large enough to be menacing, yet small and compact enough to be swiftly maneuvered through the fray and easily portable. Most choose to go with black, which is reasonably frightening, yet for some that is not enough.

This morning there were several participants who entered the scene carrying enormous rainbow umbrellas. These are most definitely horrific, not just because of the garish colors of the umbrella plastered against the cool grey sky, but because it takes a certain kind of intrepid individual to wield such an attention grabbing object, the kind of person one does not want to come head to head with (or umbrella to umbrella, for that matter), for they are fearless and bold.

After much deliberation about the size and quality of my own umbrella, I have come to the conclusion that I shan’t acquire an upgrade. I have come to terms with the fact that I shall never be a courageous umbrella dueler like the man on the walk this morning. I will continue to duck out of the way of larger, more important umbrellas. But I shall no longer deliver mumbled apologies if my umbrella clashes with another, for this is war, and any apologies are merely crushed beneath the squelching feet of the passers by. Good luck fellow urbanites!